My dad.. my wonderful, charismatic dad…. has Alzheimer’s. He is 80 years old, and his health has been failing for the past several years. He fought bravely through colon cancer, and a heart attack. Last November, he suffered a stroke after his pacemaker quit working. Now, his mind is fading. My dad doesn’t deserve this.
He has been my hero my entire life. He is the one who got me through puberty, and all the drama of teen life. He was a trucker/delivery person when I was young & I made practically every trip he did, if I wasn’t in school. He was the one that let me move back home when I left my ex husband. Dad was the only father that my son had ,when he was little. Dad was always the go-to guy.. he could fix anything , mechanical or other wise. I remember many times my uncle bringing his car to Dad to fix, after work. I also remember my Dad coming home after work , to receive a phone call from his sister in Arkansas ( we lived in Mississippi) , telling him she was running out of food, and had no money. She had a family of 5. So, Dad gathered what groceries he could, and made the 4 hour drive to Arkansas , to make sure they all had food. That was Dad. He always made sure his family had what they needed, whether he did , or not.
Dad wasn’t perfect ( none of are ),but, he was the most loving man I have ever met. He was the one all the kids went to for stories. He is the one who taught me that family means everything. He is also the one who taught me to control that wonderful family temper……
Dad also got me started in genealogy, without really meaning to. He never knew much of his family history.. so I began the task of trying to find his family tree.. and 20 odd years , and over 17,000 names, later…. I think I have completely satiated any hunger he may have had, for knowledge of his family history.
All these memories brings me to this day. I live 12 hours away from him, and I cannot be there when he needs me most. My heart is breaking, and I cry until I have no more tears.. then cry again. I realize the day is coming when he may not recognize me when I do get to go see him again. My mom and my older sister are there, doing what must be done. I cannot fathom the next few months…. or even weeks. I never know what the next phone call will be.
I know Dad would not ever want to be in a world in which he didn’t recognize the family that means the world to him. I know he would never want to live in a place where he couldn’t comprehend his grand-daughter telling him who she is, when he is convinced that she is only his niece. When he is convinced,at night, that the babies ( all of whom are adults now), are hungry, and he has to find them food. He doesn’t understand that there aren’t any babies around, and even if the great grand children were there…. they definitely aren’t hungry at 3 or 4 a.m.
The time if approaching where we will be required to make a decision that none of us want to face. We have to pray desperately that God will allow Dad to pass with the dignity that he deserves… or face the uncertain future of what we refuse to fathom… finding long-term care for Dad. Mom can’t do it alone much longer… and two of their children ( including me) live too far away to be of much help. None of us want to put Dad ANYWHERE but home….. so….. we are left with painful decisions and heart-break.
We are among so many other families that Alzheimer’s had cruelly torn apart. Alzheimer’s has to be the worst illness ever. Watching your loved one fade into a world that you cannot follow them into. Seeing the body that is there, but, knowing that the person has crossed the bridge into a place that you cannot go. I am at that place… my Dad hasn’t completely crossed that bridge…. but, he is more than half way there.
Dad…. I want so desperately to be with you. To keep you from going across. I selfishly want more time. More years… I still want to call you to chat. I want to hear you tell me your stories again. I want you to laugh at the things the kids do. I want you to be here to tell my grandchildren stories. Dad, I love you. Please know that.. please don’t forget that. You will always be my hero.
Posted by Wanda Nelson 
Seeking God's Heart 